Attraction to Pain

Do we put ourselves into situations where we suffer on purpose, but subconsciously? Sometimes, I feel like I allow myself to suffer because I know I can endure it. Like I can bear the pain, so I just take it in. But am I attracted to those types of situations? Like do I, without knowing or admitting it, like it when there is a fear or uncertainty? When people endure pain, something inside feels good. It makes you feel strong and above it all. So do we put ourselves in situations where we can feel that bizarre kind of satisfaction? I don't know what I'm saying, but it's confusing to me. I mean, logically, one would stay away from things that might bring them suffering. But I think some people are drawn to a sense of unpredictability or pain. Sigh. So confusing. And if this is true, to what extent does a person continue this? To what extent does a person go before it becomes like abuse to oneself? I mean, someone who really loves and respects themselves wouldn't allow themselves to get constantly hurt, right? But at the same time...I don't know.

whatever you say

It's interesting how quickly something that's taken so long to build up can crash and burn. And how long it takes to trust a person again after one swift stab in the back.
that's kind of sad, in a way, how one thing can catalyze the explosion of what took ages to create.
All things that go up eventually must come down.

Chris Crocker is not too shabby.

Why is it that most of the time when I'm blogging, it's because I haven't been and Jason Ye reminds me to blog? (: Thanks Jason.

So it's been a looong time since my last blog and a lot has happened. I don't even really know where to begin. I really should blog more.

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Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with my fear of the future. I honestly don't know where things are going to go and it's really hard not having control over anything. Especially now while many seniors are getting either accepted or rejected from colleges, it's hard not to think about what it will be like a year from now. I know I want to go to an art school, but it's still difficult to imagine myself, miles from home, away from my family and friends, or at an art school. I don't know what I want to do and I don't know where I wanna be five, ten years from now. I don't really know and I try not to think about it just yet. I know that God has a plan for me, but it's just really frustrating to be blindly walking around.

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So I don't know why, but I subscribed to Chris Crocker on Youtube a couple months ago, and today, I was trying to figure out how to unsubscribe when his/her most current video began to play. It was actually a very interesting video because it was talking about whether or not opposites attract, and if they do, for how long. I think it's interesting to think about because you'd think that opposites would attract because they kind of balance each other out, but then eventually, wouldn't the differences end up outweighing the similarities, sparking arguments and potential breakup? But, at the same time, if you have people who are too similar, that can't be good either right? If two people who really liked people to listen to them were together, there would be no one to listen, and eventually, that would spark arguments and potential breakup too.
But then, there's love.

Dictionary.com : "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person;
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend."

If that really is what love is, then I don't know how marriages could possibly last. I was thinking about what love was while I was showering this morning, and the best answer I could come up with was this: Love is the willingness to accept and care for someone despite his/her shortcomings. It is also the willingness to change yourself and sacrifice what you value for the benefit of the other person.
If this is what love is, then does it matter what kind of a person you are? Can a person's personality really come in between him and his love? Quite honestly, I find loving others extremely difficult. Like truly, wholly love them by my own definition. Really loving a person seems impossible, but then again, God loves each and every one of us completely and totally. So, I don't know. I don't know where I'm getting at.
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okay that is all for now. goodbye

Untitled.

I haven't blogged in a while.

Today I got a comment in my Honesty Box. It said this:
" I thought Christians prayed to God and vowed to be good people. Since you go to church so much, I used to believe you were one of the good. I have learned that you are someone who goes to church on weekends and then forgets about it and hurts people during the rest of the week. I do not know if you even realize it. I do not think you do. Thanks for being such a great friend. Not."

When I read this, I could not help but start to tear up. My feelings are not hurt, and I cannot say that this person is a liar. Being a so called "once-a-week" Christian is what I promised myself I would not be since the day I realized what it meant to live for Jesus. The reason why I cry is because this is so, so true and I've been lying to myself that it wasn't.
Even though I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes just like anyone else, I can't deny that this is the truth. Whoever this person is, he/she saw right through me and saw what I so desperately tried not to see. If anything, I should thank this person because I've been so caught up in what's cool and what's not cool, my future, my friends, school, and so many other distractions. I've told myself time and time again that I'd live for Christ, yet did nothing to actually do it. Being a Christian is not supposed to be easy and I wanted to take the easy way out.
So all I can say to this person and to everyone who knows me is that I'm sorry. I truly have been living a lie and now that I see that, I'm sick of it. I sicken myself. I'm sorry if I've hurt you and I'm sorry that I got so absorbed in superficial things. And I'm especially sorry to Jesus that I haven't been living a life worthy of being called a follower of Christ.
Thank you, whoever you are, for helping me to see my stains. I'm only human and nobody's perfect, but now it's time to get back on track. Please help keep me accountable for the things I write today. I don't want to be two faced anymore.

GoodBYE ohNINE ! (I'm hilarious)

Wow I can't believe it's almost the end of 2009! It seems insane all the things that have happened this year. And now it's all coming to a close. But with a new year comes new goals, new resolutions, and a clean new slate.

RESOLUTIONS:
1.) Stop bad habits- I've had the same nail biting resolution since new years when i was in middle school. I have this wretched habit of biting my nails and cuticles and it's awful. And I often get real close to stopping, but for some reason, it always comes back. Perhaps this year will be better (: I WILL stop my bad habits by stopping myself when I realize I'm biting, and buy some cuticle cream (:

2.) Have better prioritizing skills- I've realized that my prioritizes are pretty backwards sometimes. When it's late at night, instead of doing homework, I'm online chatting. Or when I have free time, I'm watching the latest episode of Gilmore Girls and not studying it up or refining my artistic-ness. Or, instead of doing devos, I'm reading Twilight (good grief. how bad can I get). I WILL prioritize my life in order of true importance and make my actions match it.

3.) Have no regrets- To be honest, at heart, I'm a bit antisocial. I don't always like to meet new people or be an outgoing person, and I've found myself getting a bit lazy. I used to force myself to talk to others and be sociable, but nowadays, I just let it slide, and because of that, I'll often think back to certain situations where I didn't do something, and regret not doing it. I WILL not allow myself to miss good opportunities or have regrets.

4.) love- I WILL love God and his people above all. Nothing's bigger than love.

okay hopefully this will help me keep my resolutions. It's pretty hard to keep new year resolutions, for me at least, because I always forget them by February. Maybe if I make a big sign and staple it to my wall...
xxx
I got a twitter! Finally, I have decided to get with the trend, so if you have a twitter :
http://twitter.com/angeliinee

Hope you all have a happy new year and see you in 2010! :D

HELLO TIMOTHY CHUANG

A quick story featuring myself and (kind of) Mister Timmy Chuang. So today after my art class, my mom was running late to come pick me up, so I walked over to the Diddams next door to look around and stay warm/dry. After looking around at multicolored plates, balloons, and streamers, I found a rack labeled "Burts Bees". I LOVE Burt's Bees! It's basically this company/label thing that produces things like lotions, shampoos, chapsticks, face scrubs, blemish removers, body washes, cuticle moisturizers, and all sorts of other things. Not only are they really great, but they're all made from natural ingredients, too! It's fabulous. When I went to Mexico for a missions trip, I brought my Burt's Bees bug repellent and it worked so much! It didn't smell all that bad either because it smelled like some tree leaf or something. Anyways, so I saw this rack and I was like, "OMG! Burt's Bees! I love Burt's Bees!" So I was trying all this stuff because they had testers and everything and it was pretty great. After like five minutes, I had on chapstick, cuticle moisturizer, and facial lotion. Then I found a tube of "Shea Butter Hand Cream" and, immediately, I thought of my good friend Timmy Chuang. He has really dry hands and I've always been meaning to buy some good lotion for him. This seemed like the perfect opportunity! Especially since Timmy is very allergic to half of the world's foods (JKAY BUDDY!), this seemed to be perfect since it said that it was "great for sensitive skin" and "all natural". I was about to buy it when a thought suddenly popped into my head: "I wonder if it smells good?" So I casually open the tube and squirt some into my palm. It's really creamy and seems like it'd be a very good hand cream. I rub it into my hands and then lift them to my face. It smelled awful. Like someone puked into a garbage can and then dumped that into a blender with oil and whatever shea butter is and then blended it together. It was so bad, you have no idea. So I decided not to buy the hand cream because, for goodness sake, it was giving me a headache after one whiff. I've washed my hands close to 10 times since I got home, and they still smell like crap.

I've realized (or at least it seems this way to me) that the more often I blog, the shallower my topics become...hmm..that can't be good.
kbye

Rock the Beat - LMFAO

wheeeeee

Hiphiphooray!
My head hurts so much right now and my entire house is cold and my keyboard must be a tad bit messed up because I've had to retype this one sentence about 20 times already. Nevertheless, I'm blogging (: Yay for consistency!

Humhumhum. I'm actually pretty brain dead right now so I can't really think of anything to talk about. I think I shall just ramble about one of my FAV shows EVERRRRR "Gilmore Girls"! Omygod. OMG! Gilmore girls is SO GOOD. I'm not even kidding! It teaches morals, it's funny, it's dramatic, it's interesting, it's characters are well written(unlike Grey's anatomy, in which all the characters talk the same way). It's just a great show all together. My goodness. I watch it like everyday now! It's that amazing! And I really really really love the character Rory. Omgoodness. She is sooooo pretty and really really smart and funny and wow I just wish I could be like her. Played by Alexis Bledel.
http://www.dailymakeover.com/appImages/galleryImages/Celebrity_Hairstyles/Alexis_Bledel+May_2005.jpg
omg just look at her EYES. Omgoodness she is so beautiful. And I love her character. I'm seriously considering naming my future daughter(if I have one) either Rory or Lorelai. Oh my GAWD I LOVE GILMORE GIRLS. Everyone should watch it. EVERYONE. It is amazing. It really is.

Wow. So brain dead right now. I think I shall come back and edit this later because I'm sure its just FILL of errors. WHEEE HOW FUN. Okay goodnight.